6 STEPS TO ENHANCE EFFECTIVE LISTENING

6 steps to enhance effective listening

The desire of not been heard is a feeling that happens to all of us in our lives. Listening is one of the easiest things to do and the hardest. It is hard when you put your  own concerns and opinions aside and pay attention to what another person is saying, especially when the subject matter is unfamiliar, boring, or makes you uncomfortable yet what makes a relationship succeed is the ability to listen. Your friendship, your marriage, your relationship with those you care about is built up through the art of listening.

James 1:19 says “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” It is a simple principle but very difficult to practice. Too often we are slow to hear, quick to speak, and quick to anger. Listening requires discipline and the devotion of the self which is the body, mind, and heart to understand and share another person’s experience in the moment of your relationship.

 It may not come naturally, but it is something you can learn by practicing the following six steps.

LISTEN WITH YOUR WHOLE BODY

Listening with your body requires your mind, eyes and posture. Responding to a person with your eyes focussed on a television screen, phone, laptop or any distractive thing while the person is expressing something meaningful is not listening.

Turn your body to face the person who’s speaking and set aside all other activities. Sit or stand up straight and be still. Connect your eyes with the person speaking. Listen with your eyes and your posture. Again, give your full mental attention to the person. When you notice you are thinking about something else, let that thought go and come back to deep listening. Mental distrac­tion is a big obstacle. If you have ever tried meditation, you will know how relentlessly thoughts can draw our attention away from the moment and into the past, the future, or judgments of the present.

LISTEN WITH THE HEART

We can only listen with the heart when we know our own heart in order to understand the heart of others. In doing so, we are able to listen beyond the words of the person. We often do not notice the emotions of someone when listening with divided attention. Other people’s emotions can feel awkward or even intimidating. But when you notice what emotions arise while listening, you can acknowledge them, and then set them aside. You may hear something that triggers a strong emotional response especially when it’s an unpleasant interactions with a friend or loved one.

Compassionate listening enables you to recognize these tendencies and the misjudged feelings behind them. Knowing your own heart makes it easier to understand the heart of another, and when you temporarily put your own charged emotions aside, you create the conditions for deeper connection.

BE PATIENT

Do not be quick to respond. James 1:19, says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Curb any desire to interrupt. Wait until the person is finished speaking. Unfortunately, many of us are too preoccupied with ourselves during conversation. Instead of concentrating on what is being said, we are busy either deciding what to say in response or mentally rejecting the other person’s point of view.

It is hard not to interrupt when we are so sure we are right and the other is wrong. We may be tempted to finish the speaker’s thoughts. Good listening requires concentration and means we are in with both ears, and that we hear the other person out till they are done speaking. Rarely will a friend or colleague begin with what’s most important, and deepest. We need to hear the whole story, before interrupting.

DO NOT BE QUICK TO GIVE ADVICE

Advice is a specific type of communication. There is a time and place for it but now is not that time. If the person is expressing some frustration and problems, before you offer advice, first show to the person you want to simply understand his or her situation and feelings. Make your ears and heart one big space where another person can completely be heard and held and always come to.

GIVE FEEDBACK

 Giving feedback communicates to the other person that you really want to understand, and that you really care about what that person is saying. Sometimes this is called "active listening". Ask the person questions about what he or she just said. In proverbs 18:2 it is said that “It is the fool who takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in exercising his opinions”. In the quest of understanding the story and asking questions, you are able to identify some emotions which meekly draws genuine answers to the person.

DO NOT REDIRECT THE ATTENTION TO YOURSELF

Refrain from topping the speaker’s story with your past experience. Keep your priority on understanding what the speaker wants to communicate. Listening is a form of love. By listening, we put aside our agenda, we take a break from what we are doing, and we give our attention to others. It requires selflessness and humility which is good for relationships. It also shows you care. Listening shows you want to understand what the other person is experiencing, feeling, and thinking.

When someone close to you senses that you are not really listening to what he or she has to say, that person is rightfully hurt. Not listening gives the message that he or she does not count, is not worth your time. Listening shows the other person that he or she counts and so builds up your relationship.

 Listening shows you respect the other person for their insights. Thinking again of Proverbs 18:2, the fool thinks he knows it all and would prefer to do the talking and have others do the listening to his or her opinion. The wise person, however, challenges herself or himself to grow in knowledge and understanding. That is done by respecting others for their insights.

Source: The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships, Second Edition, by Michael P. Nichols.

Photo Credit: CMP Photography